Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i think i have two assholes
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
