I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
