I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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