Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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