I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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