This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
