My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
