I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
