Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize