I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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