Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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