I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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