i already hear my dad disowning me
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
