Where are you?
In a non slutty way
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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