Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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