She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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