toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
