Cold hands, warm shart.
Im at strip club and am horny
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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