my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I deserve this hangover.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
