I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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