Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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