she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
