I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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