T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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