I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
