she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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