He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
