Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Houston, we have a squirter
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
