I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
