I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
