you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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