i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
