Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
