Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
