I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
