I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
