Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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