I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
