so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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