I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
