I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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