I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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