if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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