one two three fourrrrnication!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
