Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
