Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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