Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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