the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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