i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
