i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
