Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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