That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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