My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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