Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
apparently the secret to your success is patron
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize