bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize