I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
