apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
