my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
