I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
