I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize