Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
