OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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