if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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